Common Decency Hits Record Lows
Like behavioral locusts, the societal failures are back
As the title suggests…in my lifetime, I believe Common Decency has officially reached an all-time low.
I’ve flipped through the various contributing factors in a mental rolodex: omnipresent screens, AI this or that, consumerism, “self-care” culture, the growing educational and economic gap between girls and boys, red-pill podcasts, and then of course everyone’s favorite scapegoats — capitalism, politics.
I paused briefly on the last one. Is the current lack of etiquette due to the outrageous political climate or was the outrageous political climate a reflection of the incredibly low levels of etiquette? Chicken or egg?
There’s the old quote about common sense not really being all that common and so it goes to say that the same is true of decency, it seems.
And so what the hell is Common Decency? Well.
Returning the phone call of a friend within a reasonable time (within 24 hours) or at least texting them to reschedule.
Better yet, calling a friend first instead of sending them your 100th Instagram Reel of the week.
Buying someone’s coffee (or cocktail) just because. No expectation of return.
Offering to help your older neighbor with a household task like bringing the garbage in or shoveling some snow from the driveway.
Offering to help your roommate or partner with a household task like vacuuming or putting the dishes away.
Asking about someone’s children or parents and remembering some actual detail about it the next time you speak.
Checking in on someone you don’t see that often around the holidays.
Sending a card or buying a gift when your friend buys a new home.
Sending a card or flowers when someone has died, even if you didn’t know them very well.
Opening the door for someone else, as often as possible really.
Offering your seat on the subway to someone whose hands are full.
Okay those are the basics, but let’s take it a little further.
Paying an equal share of a dinner, even if it’s a group dinner and you ate less than the rest of the group…it’s weird to make a comment about that, btw.
When life gets busy and you miss a call or a text, apologizing sincerely as soon as you have a moment to breathe and then scheduling a time to actually connect.
Ordering your friend a car or walking them all the way home after a late night out and then checking to make sure they’re okay.
Following through on your commitments, even when you don’t want to (e.g. “Let’s catch up next Sunday!” or “We should grab coffee sometime”)
Doing things that your friends invite you to even if you aren’t particularly interested (e.g. Going to an art crawl, a concert, a movie, a hike, a sport event that you don’t really care about)
Having dinner with someone without checking your phone even once.
Taking accountability when someone you care about is upset even if you feel that you were in the right…because sometimes the relationship is more important than being right.
Even if someone you’re speaking to is boring you or you’re not particularly interested in listening, be present, make eye contact and listen until you can politely find a way to exit the conversation. Don’t just disassociate.
Offering to pay for your friend’s bridesmaid dress if you’ve asked them to be in your wedding party. Don’t ask if you can’t afford it, that’s totally reasonable.
Remembering your friends’ kids’ birthday. (I’m very bad at this one.)
If someone hosts you at their house for an extended period of time, strip the bed, leave a note and a small thank you. Doesn’t have to be expensive, but it has to be done.
If you bail on something that was pre-paid, you still offer to pay your share.
Stop ghosting. Period. Have a respectful conversation even if it’s uncomfortable for you because it’s…polite.
How are we feeling about this list? Common Decency or Above-Average Decency?
The problem is that I find that this is now greatly-exceeds-expectations levels of decency.
The amount of times that I have done one of these things without thinking and have been met with shock from acquaintances and friends is cause for concern. And equally concerning is the lack of these experiences in my own interactions.
I started to notice the shift within my friendships a few years ago and was feeling confused and incredibly frustrated at first; I thought that the reason people weren’t showing care or concern or being polite with me was because of something I did. I went to therapy and then was reminded that, “Even if you sucked, it says more about their character than yours to be polite or not.”
I’m not saying this from my ivory tower; I admit there have been instances where I tried to match the effort. “Okay, I just won’t respond.” NO. RED FLAG. That kind of reciprocity is ugly. Can’t do it anymore.
And I’m not talking about serious things that need to be worked out in a friendship, like your friend being frustrated with you for talking about yourself too much or for lecturing everyone about Botox and making them feel bad for getting it, or more serious things like navigating differing political ideologies. Those are real things to take accountability for and discuss. But being polite? That’s Common Decency.
I like to believe that I surround myself with very good and decent people from all different demographics. I have taken great pride in that, actually. But over the past couple of years I’ve had to have earnest conversations when the things on this list weren’t happening…and unfortunately I ended a few friendships because of it. It was painful and disappointing but you have to make a choice about how you’re willing to be treated and the kind of life and relationships you want to have. Thoughtless, careless and low-effort relationships are just not of interest to me.
And if even my dearest friendships have fallen victim to this sort of carelessness, it’s really no surprise to look around at the hellscape that we currently find ourselves in. As much as I have to respect our right to be as self-serving and shallow as humanly possible, I would really love to see what we’re capable of when we put in a little care.
So I’ve come to the conclusion that Common Decency is no longer common, and now I’m just left to wonder: Where have all the manners have gone and when are they coming back? I miss them.